


Hallucinations

by CommanderKats



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alien Sex, Dom Thane Krios, Dom/sub Play, F/M, Falling In Love, Getting to Know Each Other, Hallucinations, Heartache, Heartbreak, Intoxication, Mass Effect 2, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Pain, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rough Sex, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Soul-Searching, Wet Dream
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 15:05:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16369895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommanderKats/pseuds/CommanderKats
Summary: Ronan Shepard was having a hard time coming to terms with both a decision she made before she died and the fact that she was alive again.





	1. Chapter One

               _Kaidan._

               Ronan didn’t understand, she remembered the call she had made on Virmire…she had left Kaidan behind but here he stood. Smiling, arms open, welcoming into a loving embrace though when Ronan’s arms wrapped around him he was gone. Then he was there again though this time he looked sad, heartbroken and lost. She tried to go to him, tried to make it in time and like on Virmire she couldn’t. Garrus was there now, pulling her away they needed to get to the shuttle, but Ronan was trying to fight her way towards Kaidan. Her biotics went mad and shot out at anything and anyone. Still Garrus persisted and the shuttle doors closed, and it lifted off as the world and her love blew up behind her.

               The dream or nightmare was always the same. A reminder of the decision she made, of the choice to leave him behind and every time it broke her anew. Especially now after being brought back from the dead. Ronan had remembered dying so vividly, the oxygen leaving, her body stopping the struggle as she floated out in space. Her last thoughts, so clear as day, were of Kaidan. Finally, she would be able to make good on the choice she made by joining him in the afterlife.

               Then that was taken from her.

               It was something she was still uncomfortable with. It wasn’t easy coming to terms with the fact that you were dead for two years and the world completely moved on. Hell, Garrus became a vigilante. How was she to just…be? Something as simple as just being was hard for her because she had forgotten how to be that Ronan Shepard, that one died. This new one that had been brought back felt like her yet at the same time felt new and awkward.

               Though Ronan did try to be herself and it was somewhat easy when she was around those who knew her before she died, Garrus and Joker reminded her that she was real once. That life had happened. It gave her a strength she didn’t know and when she helped someone or saved someone, that too was another reminder of the life she lived. Of the person she was. It helped, and she was grateful for that, then the nights happened, and her mind played tricks on her.

               Recently though Ronan found that drinking helped pushed the dreams/nightmares away, though she was sure it was because she drunk herself into the blackout. She was tired of feeling and other than being drunk to the point of no return working was the only other thing that cleared everything away and focused her. Doing the mission came natural to her, so natural it was like breathing and even though she disagreed sometimes with the Illusive Man she could understand the need for her and the mission.

               It was one of these missions that changed things for Ronan, brought about a new light that she hadn’t been expecting. Kaidan was the last man she had any feelings for and since being brought back from the dead she has felt nothing and been with no one, though there were offers. Like before though her heart seemed too broken to accept any kind of love or compassion. That was until she watched the drell slip behind Nassana, quiet and unaware.

               There where her heart once flickered seemed to come alive again. Sure, it always beat, beat life into her lungs and body but this was different. A flutter, a flicker, a recognition that she hadn’t felt in some time. It continued to grow, steadier and steadier as Ronan watched the assassin go about his work. He seemed to go about it with the same efficiency as Ronan did, especially of late as she felt wayward in the world. As he folded Nassana’s arms over her chest he recited a prayer and something in his steady words, calm and serene that lite a fire inside Ronan.

               When Ronan asked the prayer had been for him and not her, for what he had to do and not the actions in which lead him there. It was beautiful and somewhat haunting to her, Ronan wanted to hear and know so much more about this assassin. Although she didn’t quite know how to go about it, her nerves were jumbled up with her feelings for Kaidan and the lack of good sleep she had been getting. So obviously she found herself in the main battery bugging Garrus about it.

               “Just go talk to him.” Garrus said as his fingers danced over the board.

               “That’s easy for you,” Ronan said pacing by the doors, “Everyone likes you.”

               Garrus chuckled, “I don’t think everyone who has met me liked me.” He stopped and looked at her, “Though if I recall Ronan most people who meet you like you.”

               She sat down on one of the chests, “That’s because I’m Commander Shepard and a Spectre.”

               “No,” He paused, “People do things for you because you’re a Spectre. People like you because of who you are.”

               Ronan didn’t know how long she sat there in silence, it was something that had become a regular thing and she was sure Garrus didn’t mind it. They had been friends for a long time and maybe in another life that could have been more, but he knew her feelings for Kaidan, knew the guilt that ate at her. No instead he was a better friend than she had ever had.

               “Go talk to him.” Garrus said after the silence had stretched on.

               She nodded and found herself up and walking towards the life support bay though as she stood outside of the doors she found it hard to open them. What was she going to say? How was she going to act? Then the doors opened, and Thane stood there. He stood watching, from a distance his eyes looked black but now as she stood this close she could see the green, dark and mystical. She very much wanted to reach out and run her hand along his cheek just to feel his skin.

               “Hello Commander.” His voice was a bit deeper than she remembered from the other day and it seemed to vibrate the air between them. Or maybe that was all in Ronan’s mind. “Is there something I can help you with?” He asked.

               Her mouth was dry, tongue thick and she felt foolish. She had a couple flashes of her time as a teenager where she was awkward but now she was grown woman, and this was silly. “Just wanted to see if you had a moment to talk.”

               He smiled, “I was on my way to have a drink at the make shift bar, would you care to accompany me Commander?”

               “Ronan.” She said casually.

               “Ronan.” He tested her name and the way he said it made that flutter come back. “So, would you?” He asked again, and she nodded.

               They walked next to each other, though the walk wasn’t that far. The world seemed different as she stood next to him then again all of it could be her head messing with her. She understood that lately she wasn’t quite the self she once was, this new being so strange to her she didn’t know how to act. Right now, was one of those moments as the doors opened and she saw other members of the crew there. Most evenings Ronan spent them alone in her chambers unbeknownst to her that the crew often held gatherings like this and that she was always welcome to them.

               Everyone looked at Thane and then to Ronan. It made her somewhat uncomfortable. Then Thane stepped fully into the room leaving Ronan standing there as the crew watched her. She stepped inside and head towards the bar where Thane was standing, chatting with Garrus. The room was very casual as they all talked and jested, Ronan wished she could do it too with them though she was sure it was her holding herself back. They all accepted that fact that she had been so easily brought back, it was something they didn’t question and the fact that she was still her. They all believed it, but Ronan was having trouble.

               Still she tried.

               She sat at the bar, the bar stool next to the wall where her back was pressed so that she could watch out across the room. Garrus seemed to be enjoying himself as the bartender and not doing a half bad job at it either. Thane sat next to Ronan, he too seemed to quietly watch the room. Garrus placed a glass of her favorite whiskey in front of her, winked and walked away. Sometimes she hated how well they had gotten to know one another.

               “You seem to be enjoying yourself.” Thane said turning towards her.

               She smiled, “I think I am.” The whiskey was good as she sipped. For the first time in a while she did feel good and seemed to be enjoying herself outside of just killing.

               His big, dark eyes watched her, pinning her in her spot and for a moment she wondered if this was all a dream. Something about the situation didn’t seem real. Then Kaidan stood behind Thane, a figment made real and she knew it wasn’t real. When had she fallen asleep? Probably with Garrus and he left her sleeping on the chests.

               “Ronan.” Thane’s voice was worried, and she wondered why her dream would mess with her like this. The world spun and Kaidan stepped closer. Her dreams/nightmares were never like this, they always replayed different moments or possibilities…this was strange. Everything plunged sideways, and the world went black.

 

               Four days. That’s how long she slept, and she couldn’t believe how much good it did her, although she did wake up hungrier than a thresher maw. Dr. Chakwas came over the moment Ronan opened her eyes. “There you are Commander.” She smiled down, “How are you feeling?”

               Ronan squinted and went to talk but found her mouth dry, her tongue sluggish.

               “Ah, yes.” Dr. Chakwas disappeared for a moment than came back with a cup and straw, “Do you think you can sit up a little?” She asked, and Ronan nodded, determined to drink some of that water. Together they got her up right and she handed Ronan the water, “Take it easy.”

               Ronan did as she sipped it.

               “You’ve been out for four days.” She said looking at Ronan, “You passed out at the gathering the other evening.”

               “That was real?” Ronan asked finally able to speak.

               Dr. Chakwas looked concerned, “Yes it was. Why didn’t you think it was Ronan?”

               Ronan drank the rest of the water, “I saw Kaidan there and normally I only dream of him, so I figured it was a dream.”

               “Do you mind telling me a bit about them?” She asked sitting on her stool.

               Ronan nodded, “You know about the choice I made on Virmire. Back then it haunted me, and I tried to live with it, wished it could be otherwise.” Tears threaten her eyes, “Now after I have been brought back from death and trying to deal with all that, Kaidan has started to plague my sleep whether good or bad.” The tears fell and for once she didn’t care who saw.

               Dr. Chakwas stood up and wrapped her arms around Ronan, “Oh dear.” She held her as the crying fit past and Ronan began to calm, “Ronan please come and see me when you can’t sleep, I can help with that.” Ronan looked up at her, she was smiling, “I can also help with any other problems you may be having, any difficulties come to terms with things.”

               “Thank you.” Ronan said quietly.

               “Of course, dear.” She squeezed her once more, “Now let’s get you a shower and hot meal, maybe a little more rest but in your own chambers?” She suggested, and Ronan couldn’t agree more.

               The hot water felt great against her skin and seemed to wash away some of the grogginess she felt. There was a calmness in her that she took to be from the sleep but was glad of it, she needed it in truth and the rest that Dr. Chakwas wanted for the rest of the day. Ronan heard the chamber doors open and someone walk in, hopefully they brought food because she was more than a little hungry. She turned the hot water off and grabbed the towel drying off.

               Ronan wrapped the towel around her and left the bathroom, she could smell food in her chamber somewhere and she was quite happy about it. She stepped out of the bathroom and away from the desk and saw the tray of food sitting on her bed, though she wondered where the person who brought it was. Ronan stepped down the one stair and saw Garrus sitting in the chair, his long legs stretched out in front of him as he flipped through the books on her shelf.

               “Make yourself at home.” Ronan said.

               Garrus looked up at her, noticed the towel, and blushed or at least what the closest thing to blushing for turians, “Didn’t mean to disturb you.” He said as he started to get up.

               “No stay.” She shrugged, “Could use some friendly company.” She smiled weakly. Ronan walked over to her dresser and grabbed an over-sized shirt, putting it on over the towel then dropped the towel. Garrus watched the whole thing with a focus only a male would have, it made her chuckle as she climbed into the bed settling blankets on her lap. She leaned forward and pulled the tray towards her and revealed the food.

               “No one knew what you’d want so Gardner just made a bit of everything.” Garrus said stretching himself back out, “So you going to tell me about the other night?”

               She took a bite of the roll and swallowed, “What do you want me to say Garrus? I’m having trouble coming to terms with the fact I died and am now alive.” She put the roll down, “Its hard. I can’t guarantee I am who once was yet that’s what’s being asked of me.”

               “I’m not who I once was.” Garrus piped in, “The Garrus you knew before you died would have never became Archangel.”

               “So how did you do it?” She took another bite of the roll.

               His mandibles clicked, “You just try. It might take a little while but eventually the new routine becomes all you know. It becomes the familiar and the life before seems a long time ago.” He seemed somewhat sad after he spoke.

               “Thank you Garrus.” She said.

               He nodded, “It’s what I do.”

               They sat in silence together, Ronan quietly scarfing her food until she was nearly filled to the brim. She pushed away the tray and settled back against the pillows, Garrus quietly read one of her books that was on the shelf. She kind of hoped it wasn’t the romantic novels that he found but one of the more action-based ones.

               “So, I find Thane a bit intriguing.” Ronan confessed.

               Garrus chuckled, “I already knew that.”

               She remembered the other night before everything happened, “Yeah guess you might have.”

               “I think he’d be good for you.” Garrus said putting his finger in the book, “You have a thing for that quiet, broody type.”

               “I do not.” Ronan retorted.

               “I believe Kaidan was that same way.” He pointed out.

               Ronan blushed, “Alright maybe I have somewhat of a type.” She wanted to throw a pillow at him, “So what should I do?”

               Garrus put the book down and stood up, “Learn the new you and get to know him.” He started to leave out the door, “Honestly Ronan I don’t know but talking is a good start.” He turned and left, waving before the doors shut behind him.

               Talking. That was something she could do…although she wasn’t quite sure she could. Maybe she’d give it a day or two before she went and saw him, give herself a chance to think about what she might say. Then again maybe just jumping into it, going to the life support bay and talking with him. No instead Ronan curled up in bed, her belly full and her thoughts for once clear and happy. Maybe a little more rest first.


	2. Stars

               Something warm surrounded her, an arm and leg thrown over her and Ronan knew it was Kaidan by the smell of him. Ronan nestled against the warmth and it squeezed her back pulling her closer to him, his face nuzzled against her neck, breath hot against her skin. She sighed as his hand moved up and cupped her breast, her nipple in between two fingers as he gave a gentle tug. Ronan moaned, arching herself against him, her ass nestling on his hard cock.

               “Ronan.” Her name like a prayer on his lips and she turned to see Thane now there instead of Kaidan. His dark eyes lustful and watchful as he squeezed her nipple again, watching the pleasure spread through her. He let go of her nipple and slide his hand down her belly and in between her thighs to her heat, all the time using his other hand to hold her head to keep eye contact. His fingers knotted in her hair as his other fingers parted her slit, feeling the heat against his flesh. She reached back to touch him, her soft flesh against his reptilian. A finger parted her, pushing slowly inside her until she felt his thumb press against her clit.

               His breath hot against her sensitive ear, “Cum for me Ronan.” And that was all it took, Ronan came screaming, her heat clenching Thane’s finger. The world began to sparkle, stars twinkling as she tried to keep her eyes open and looking at Thane. Who had continued to watch her the whole time, his eyes somehow even darker than before. Then Ronan woke up.

               The world came into focus and she realized that was what she had saw in her dream when she came, which she could feel that she actually had. Ronan looked around the room, a bit surprise not to see Thane somewhere in with how real that had been. Yet it had started with Kaidan. Ronan got out of bed and headed towards the shower, ready to get back to work. As the water fell on her she thought about the dream, she was so sure it had been Kaidan at first. His smell and the feel of his biotics with hers, then it was Thane.

               She was sure there was meaning behind it, but she wasn’t ready to deal with it. Hell, he just got onto the Normandy not too long ago, she didn’t want to force herself on him. That and Kaidan always came to mind, well except for this morning. Ronan turned off the water, dried off and went to find clothes all the while thinking of the dream. Kaidan had disappeared and Thane was there. Some part of Ronan felt like that was an improvement. Maybe she was starting to move on from Virmire.

               There was a couple of crew at the table, Garrus and Joker next to each other while Grunt took up the whole end to himself. Ronan walked silently over and sat down next to Grunt who smiled as he saw her, both Garrus and Joker looked at her but carried on their conversation. A moment later a plate of pancakes was placed in front of her and Gardner clapped her shoulder before walking away. Ronan grabbed the syrup and drenched the pancakes in it.

               Then there was Thane.

               She didn’t remember him sitting there down next to her or even hearing him but then again, her attention had been on the stack of pancakes. He looked at the pancakes, smiling, as he looked back up to her eyes. Her dream playing very vividly in her head.

               “What’s that smell?” Grunt asked, pausing to sniff.

               Ronan was sure her face was a very bright shade of red, it was the only thing she could think that he was smelling since she was sure she was putting off something.

               “There called pancakes Grunt and I doubt Ronan is willing to share.” Joker said.

               Grunt shook his head, “I know what pancakes smell like. This is sweeter.” He sniffed towards Ronan and began to smile.

               “I am sorry Grunt it is probably my sickness that you smell.” Thane started, “I have heard that those who can smell it say its sweet.” Thane said looking at Grunt.

               Grunt didn’t seem to believe him then decided it wasn’t worth it and went about eating the rest of his food. Ronan glanced at Thane to see him watching her, just as intense as he had in her dream and figured he might be able smell her too. Hell, she didn’t know which aliens had great smell though she was feeling like it was more than she had thought.

 

               Tali lounged back on Ronan’s bed as Ronan sat next to her, the movie they had been watching played in the background as she told her about her morning at the table. Of course, Tali thought it was hilarious and very glad that she lived in a suit and couldn’t smell Ronan’s liking of Thane. Other than Garrus, Tali was the only one she had told about her attraction to the drell. Tali didn’t deny the appeal and for a second jealously spiked its ugly head until she said he wasn’t her type though. Ronan didn’t really want to fight her friend.

               “So, what are you going to do?” Tali asked, sitting up and crossing her legs. Something she learned to copy from Ronan.

               Ronan twirled her hair to the side, surprised at how fast it was growing, “I don’t know. Garrus said just talk to him but after this morning.” Ronan let go her hair.

               “I think you should go for it Ronan.” Tali sat a little straighter, “Why not? Aren’t we on a suicide mission?” She said giggling. They had both drank a little bit more than they intended to, but the movie wasn’t as good as they had thought.

               “That is a good point.” Ronan said laughing back.

               Tali clapped her hands, “Well I should probably head to bed and you too.” They hugged before Tali got up and swayed her way out of Ronan’s chamber.

               Ronan stayed that way for a little while longer. She wasn’t tired, and she was starting to sober up, sure if she put some food in her belly then she’d be fine. So that’s what she did, making her way off her bed and to the elevator, pressing for the third floor. The doors opened to the silence of a sleeping ship. She made her way quietly to the kitchen and opened the fridge looking for leftovers or what not. Nothing in there was striking her fashion so she opened the freezer and found a few small pints of ice cream. Ronan grabbed one and went about trying to find a spoon.

               Spoon in one hand, ice cream in the other Ronan was ready to make her way back to her chamber but as she waited for the elevator doors to open she looked back at the life support. It was kind of late and didn’t know if he was asleep. Then she found herself in front of the doors and she knocked. It wasn’t something you normally did but she didn’t want to barge in, well at least not this late at night. She waited a moment before figuring he was asleep before she turned back to the elevator. Then the doors opened, and Thane stood there.

               “Is all well Ronan?” He asked.

               She just now realized how silly she must look, in comfy clothes holding ice cream, “Honestly I just wanted to see if you were awake.” She looked sheepishly at the ground.

               “And the ice cream?” He teased, and Ronan couldn’t help but look up at him finding once again those big dark eyes watching her.

               Just talk to him she heard Garrus in her head, “Actually I wanted to talk with Thane. You’re on the team now and I know I haven’t been really…” She thought about the words, “Present but I’m trying, and I’d like to get to know you.”

               He smiled, “I would like that too Ronan.” He stepped to the side, “Please come in.”

 

               Another loyalty mission down as Pragia blew up as they left it behind. Jack seemed calmer if it was possible and she was glad to help. Thane sat quietly next to Ronan as the shuttle took them back to the Normandy, Jack still talking about what had happened. Although she tried to listen to Jack all Ronan could think about was the nearness of Thane. He had sat closer than she expected and could feel the tingle of his biotics against hers. She glanced at Thane through lowered lashes and for once he wasn’t watching her and it gave her a chance to do it.

               Her mind sketched his face into a memory, all the details she could get before he looked at her. Big dark eyes piercing into her soul and she wondered how much more he knew then he let on, she figured he was able to read her even though she tried to hide it. Ronan looked away. She felt a small biotic shove, so slight she almost wasn’t sure until she looked at Thane and saw a ghost of a smile on his lips. She pushed back against him, both of them knowing they needed to be careful inside the small shuttle and with Jack sitting so close but there was something about it.

               Never before had anyone been playful with their biotics in such a way, sure once Kaidan pulled her into a kiss only using his biotics but that was different and more innocent. This was sweet and playful. Though it didn’t last nearly as long as Ronan would have liked as they arrived back at the Normandy in short order and everyone dispersed. Ronan watching as Thane and Jack got on the elevator together, his dark eyes watching her from across the ship.

               It was longer than her liking before she got another private moment with Thane, having to go on a couple of other loyalty missions before there was time. Tonight, she had time though and made her way from her chambers to the life support. She was now more accustomed to just going into Thane’s area, especially once he said it was okay for her to do so. The doors opened, and Thane stood looking at his guns as Ronan walked in.

               He glanced back at her, “Ronan.” Her name on his lips always did things to her.

               She came and stood next to him, “Everything okay Thane?” She asked.

               He shook his head, “No I am in need of a favor from you.” He looked at her, those big dark eyes filled with a sadness that made her hurt, “You remember I have a son.”

               Thane told her about his son and how he had accepted a job as an assassin much to Thane’s great disappointment, it all explained the sadness in those eyes. Ronan agreed to any aid and would go wherever they needed to, whenever too. He thanked her. She reached out hesitantly, her fingers just brushing against his before taking his hand in hers.

               It had been a long time since she had given someone comfort. Normally she was getting comforted but ever since that night Ronan was trying to be more alive, more grateful for the second chance. Still she struggled but as she stood here and held Thane’s hand she felt more real, more alive than she had in a very long time. For a moment she was herself again, one in the same with the old and the new. He squeezed her hand back as she held onto his, her heart fluttered.

              

               Ronan’s heart broke for Thane as he confronted his son, she knew he would be full of hurt and guilt, something she was accustomed to. He caught her eye for a moment before his Kolyat and him disappeared into the interrogation room. There was something in those big dark eyes, more than just the pain she saw, more than just the familiarity that was growing between them. It wasn’t something Ronan could place just yet.

               Tali and Ronan waited for Thane just outside of the C-Sec office, though Captain Bailey was more than accommodating it was just getting stifling in there. Instead they sat down opposite of the C-Sec doors, backs leaning against glass.

               “So how has it been going with Thane?” Tali asked.

               Ronan shrugged, “Good I suppose.”

               “That doesn’t sound good.” Tali pointed out.

               “No, it doesn’t does it?” Ronan chuckled, “Truthfully I don’t know how it’s going Tali. I talk to him when I can and find myself thinking about him nearly all the time.” Her biotics tingled, and she looked up to see Thane standing in the C-Sec doors watching Tali and her, those dark eyes amused.

               Tali leaned in close to Ronan, “I would say its going good.” She laughed and stood up, reaching down to help Ronan up.

              

               Later that evening Ronan made her way to the life support to check up on Thane. The mission had been rough, and she wanted to make sure that he was doing okay after everything. The doors slide close behind her as she walked over to the desk and stood opposite of him, waiting for him to look up at her. After a moment he did, and those big dark eyes were hard for her to read, there seemed to be a lot going on in them and Ronan nearly couldn’t handle it.

               She turned and tried to make her way towards the door, his pain and guilt too remindful of her own and that fact that she had been happy these last few days. Ronan barely heard her name on his lips or his chair scrapping as he rushed to grab her before she left, his hand grabbing her elbow and turned her around to him. Their bodies pressed close together and without hesitation, without thinking Ronan kissed Thane.

               His lips were still under hers until the tip of her tongue touched them and the it was like gas on a fire. Thane’s hands held her face as his tongue delved into her mouth, wrestling with hers. That’s when Ronan began to feel it, a warm tingle, stars twinkling in the daylight as Thane kissed her. It felt like too much and not enough all at once, Ronan struggled against it yet yielded to everything he demanded in that kiss as the stars danced around her mind.


End file.
